Wow its been a very long time since I’ve been here. Or on IJRS at all. I guess I’ll get into that a little more in this assignment, but I am really pleased to be back.
Why Jedi?
Part 1: Discovering the Path
What first inspired you to seek the Jedi path in your life? Were there any key events around that time that caused you to seek this path? How did you find this training? Have you received any other training elsewhere (online or off)?
I first began seeking my own Jedi path in 2006. I was a sophomore in highschool and was having a very tough time. I felt lost in a sea of my own emotions. I am fairly empathic and have been “too sensitive” my whole life. My mother even used to give me gold stars in grade school on days I didn’t cry about something not worth crying about. It was a bit ridiculous. Sophomore year, however, was the peaking of friend troubles that had been going on for the past three years. I was friends with a girl who did not fit in with my other group of friends. Neither group was to blame really in this matter- they just didn’t get along. So much in fact that they couldn’t stand to be around each other. This girl had a tendency to be manipulative, especially towards me. Being very sensitive, emotional, and honestly naive, I didn’t see it as such. As I hung out with her, I stopped being able to hang out with my other friends, who I missed terribly. The girl didn’t really have any other close friends at school- I felt bad ditching her to hang out with others. She was jealous of me talking to my other friends, and made me feel guilty about not attending to her needs constantly. I don’t blame her- she never did any of this to purposely manipulate me I don’t think. Sure occasionally she wanted me to feel bad, but people do that to each other occasionally. Still, it wasn’t a very healthy relationship on my part.
Around that same time, Revenge of the Sith came out. Say what you will about the new trilogy, but that movie, namely, Obi Wan in that movie was utterly inspiring to me. Powerful, calm, intelligent, compassionate and in control of his life, even when everything was falling apart. I had a friend who was a ‘shadow’ jedi at the Force Academy and I started training there as a Light Jedi. I trained there for two years and was Knighted under my master, Han Solo, who I still talk to occasionally today. He’s a great guy; I appreciate his guidance tremendously. Around that time the FA began to experience drama of several kinds and I searched for a different place to train and found JEDI. I trained there for about a year, and then on and off ever since. As you can see, I haven’t been here in quite some time, and not training regularly online in at least two years, now more like three. I have been doing a variety of training on my own however, mostly with personal meditation and soul searching.
Part 2: The View Along the Way
How would you define a Jedi? What aspects of the Jedi do you aspire to? Or, what attributes of the Jedi do you want to incorporate into yourself? What does it mean for you to be a Jedi in your society?
A Jedi is someone who is centered in themselves and within the Force, that is, the life energy of our world, our universe, and wishes to better himself or herself and in some way, better the world. I want to be centered and calm within my life. I want to be able to see the bigger picture, understand my life in context, and take problems in my stride. I want to understand myself spiritually again. Most of all, I would like to be happy. My life is perfect at the moment; I have good friends, good family, a loving and understanding significant other. I understand myself pretty well at the moment I feel. But in taking this break to just enjoy my life and get back to being the more grounded person I wanted to be, I have ignored my spiritual self, and in returning to my old traditions, have found them somehow empty and wanting. I have changed, and so I must redefine myself again. I would like to bring a newly focused and grounded me, spiritually, intellectually, and physically, to my friends, my family, my university. I firmly believe that simply by being happy and helpful and caring to those around you, you can drastically better the world immediately around you. I also believe I need that new me to help me find what it is I am called to do in this life. As I begin my third year of college I realize I have no idea how I want to participate in this society of ours. I want to do something meaningful, both for myself, and for others. What that will be, I do not know, but I do feel I have a duty to bring these Jedi qualities to a community, and with them, better that community.
Part 3: Looking forward
What are your goals in your Jedi training for the next 3 months? The next 6 months? The next year? What do you anticipate will be your biggest challenge to reaching these goals? For instance, do you have time constraints, family responsibilities, or health problems?
I intend to first of all finish this workbook. I started it in great excitement then promptly moved on to other things. I’m frankly a little disappointed in my lack of focus. This quarter is not as busy for me as others have been so far- i hope to use my extra time to ensconce myself back into my training. I am starting to take Aikido, and intend to go twice a week, barring illness. I intend to go early and meditate, or meditate later if time does not allow for before class. I intend to try to write in this journal as frequently as possible, if not for a training excersize, then for personal reflection. In the next 6 months to a year I would like to start taking classes again at IJRS. I loved taking classes at the old site: it was when I felt the most productive in my training. However the timing of the courses always seemed to be off or in conflict with school before. This new system should let me do this much better. I can’t wait to begin actually.
In terms of challenges, I do have schoolwork, and as winter sets in, motivation can be harder and harder to find. However I don’t forsee classes being a problem at least through December.
Finally, I’d like to think about how you now feel about your Jedi path, having written these statements. Do you feel inspired, excited, overwhelmed? Whatever comes to mind, try to express that into words as best you can. Take some time and then try to come up with a reason why you feel the way you do? It’s ok if you don’t come up with much of anything at first, but it’s a worthwhile exercise.
When I first started this post, I checked my most recent activity on the blog and found it was a comment about a year ago. I was disappointed in myself, and that made me a bit reluctant to start. However I opened up the workbook and started typing and found the words flowing out just like they always did. After writing this post I am excited to begin again. I’ve been thinking a lot about my spiritual standing in the world recently. Christianity doesn’t hold very much meaning for me these days, and my experience with Paganism, although intellectually matching with my beliefs, wasn’t inspiring me like I expected it to. I forgot why I wanted to be a Jedi in the first place, and forgot what that was like, comparing myself to my greatest fictional idol (Obi-Wan) and knowing that I could be like him again. It wasn’t just something I did when I was young; I still truly believe I am I Jedi. When I think of myself spiritually, the name Kai-An fits me more than my real one. And that is thrilling. I know it will be hard, and I have a lot of wasted time to make up for, but I can’t wait to begin again. So thank you IJRS, for reminding me of my roots. Its good to be home.
Much love,
Kai-An Tatok