Meditation 101: Lesson 1

Exercise 1:

Although I have done both of these meditations several times before, I really appreciated doing this again. Although my breathing is not as incorrect as the very first time I tried this, I still realized I was not breathing as much into my belly as I should have. The warming of the hands didn’t do that much for me, but just placing my hands on my abdomen was very useful as a way to focus on where I should be breathing. I also forgot how relaxing it was to just lie down and breathe. I was a little worried I might fall asleep, but I stayed relaxed and alert the whole time. This is one I will definitely be repeating, especially if I’m stressed out.  :)

Exercise 2:

Although I have not yet completed this excersize three times, I thought I would post on it anyway, since it is becoming a part of my daily regimen. Nothing about it surprised me really; the obstacles I encountered were ones I expected: some serious monkey mind. It takes a concerted effort to stay with my breathing and stop worrying about everyday things. The first time I did it I had trouble with it because I was a little short for time in the morning, and the second because I didn’t have the proper clothing- I was just wearing jeans, which didn’t allow me to breath properly sitting down. Since I’ve started Aikido, the main center of my energy mentally has begun to change from my solar plexus (which is what I am most aware of all the time as it is most quickly and easily affected by imbalances, being both very sensitive and the area I tend to crush when I slouch accidentally) to lower below my navel, or the Dan Tien area. So a lot of my clothing is a bit restrictive for meditation. I need more yoga-type pants to be comfortable in. I do find it easier to meditate in the morning than after class or in the evening, unless I have just returned from Aikido. It acts exactly like yoga for me: as a physical expression of channeling energy and balancing my whole self, so that when I come home and sit, I feel very connected to every part of me. I also find it easier to meditate with my eyes closed. I have a slightly small apartment, and unless I have just cleaned there is inevitable clutter. That is a little more distraction than want to deal with at this earlier stage of getting back into meditation. I look forward to doing this exercise more and improving on it.

Much love,

Kai-An

Meditation 101 Personal Reflection

What factors have led you towards meditation?

Several things: for one, as an empath and an emotional person I want to not only understand those emotions but learn to control them better. I also have a somewhat stressful life: my college is very very intense, and I expect myself to do as well as I can. Sometimes this can be overwhelming. Cultivating a strong inner sense of calm is the best way I can work on both of these goals. Furthermore, Meditation is a good time to reflect on my own thoughts and ideas, and to better get to know the person I am becoming.

What hopes and expectations do you have?

I hope I will be able to meditate frequently, and that the re-conquering of my monkey mind wont be too arduous. I also hope I can accomplish the goals above. I feel meditating is a good way for me to more strongly reenter my relationship with the force.

Do you practice meditation currently, or have in the past? If so, how successful have you been?

I have in the past: eastern styles such as zazen, visualization meditation, prayer, yogic, etc. At one point I was fairly consistent with my meditations, but as life became more busy and stressful I was unable to maintain my practice. I think I can be more successful this time around.

 

Often when I used to meditate I would do complicated energy work, or intense visualizations. However I think what I need at this point is to cultivate something simple. This is not to say that I cannot, for example, try to reconstruct or re-visualize the house where I found chakra talismans, or attempt astral projection as some point. I would just like to have a constant simple meditation in my life, so every day I have a few minutes to reflect. I think thats really what I need right now. I’m looking forward to it.

Much love,

Kai-An

Personal Learning Plan

Name: Kai-An

Advisor: I do not yet have one.

Date: 10/19/10

Rank working toward: Adept rank

Integrative Practice Hours

Current Activities:

Activity 1:	Aikido	10-16 hours per month
Activity 2:	TRS Archivist	4 hours per month
Activity 3:	Books/DVDS	2-5 hours per month

Practice Hours Already Earned:

Fencing, Epee, E05

TRS Archivist: 50+ hours

Taught Meditation 101 for a quarter and a half at moodle, before my life grew too busy (college application time) and I was forced to discontinue.

Institute for Jedi Realist Study Courses

Courses	Completion Date
Force 101	Autumn 2010
Meditation 101	Autumn 2010
Personal 101	Winter 2011
Communication 101	Winter 2011
Warrior 101	Spring 2011
Situational Awareness 101	Spring 2011

I have already taken several of these classes as they existed on the moodle site: I do not know how much of this transfers, but I took: Adept 101, Creed 101, Communication 101, Essentials 101, and Meditation 101. Just because I took these doesn’t mean that I do not want to retake them in their newer forms as review and a way to get back into things. I will revise my projected schedule depending on which if any of these classes count.

I may also revise this depending on how long each of these classes are and take three at a time instead of two. I don’t want to overload myself accidentally and have to cut back.

Additional Goals:

I would like to try to take the CPR class offered at my university this year in either winter or spring, and be certified thusly, but it depends on my class schedule not conflicting. If this does not happen this year, it will happen next year.

I would like to start meditating frequently and increase my ability to visualize and manipulate energy. I would also like to hone my empathic skills in my everyday life as well.

I would like to finish my third year of college with good grades, and finish my core curriculum.

Obstacles to Training: The reason I have often had to take a break from training is that it is much more fun than homework, and therefore incredibly distracting when I have the desire to procrastinate, and thus interferes with my school work, which is unacceptable. Similarly, when I am swamped with work, stressed, or tired, I find it hard to motivate myself to get back to training or make time in my schedule. I want to try to keep the two balanced from now on. I feel like I have matured enough to be able to do this effectively this year. I had to do so tonight while writing a paper actually, and was pretty successful. The other obstacle to training is winter. Being the thin-blooded Californian I am, I tend to go into hibernation mode when Chicago winter hits. I do not want winter to hinder either my Aikido or Jedi training. I need to take extra care that I don’t give in to inertia Winter quarter and exert the minimum of energy, but keep pushing myself. I feel like these are largely obstacles I can and need to handle on my own, but having an advisor not only check in with me time to time, as a reminder to neglect neither my schoolwork nor my training, and to provide copious feedback on my homework and journaling would be a great help.

Much love,

Kai-An

Kagan is teh Awesome.

Had my second Aikido class today. It was just four other experienced students and me today, so Sensei was really really good about keeping an eye on me and since we had an odd number he partnered off with me for a large part of the class. It was really really nice, not only to have that sort of assistance in walking through the Tenkan, but to have that kind of attention from a teacher for me is a really great way to learn.

I knew Aikido, like many martial arts, was very heavy on the use and manipulation of Ki and energy, and on the mental as well as the physical, but I had no idea how much. We did this thing where you sit seiza with your knees touching your partners and you take turns pushing each other over, only you don’t push. The one being knocked over can resist all they want, but moving by extending your ki and moving from your center they physically cannot resist you, move your arms, anything. Its almost like magic. He worked through that with me bit by bit until I could start to feel exactly how to do it. When you do it correctly, you know you’ve done so, but it is a very difficult thing to replicate. I just need more practice. He was very very patient and kind with me. (Its also awesome watching him to the moves full speed and well. People fly through the air and land like pillows. )

I wish I hadn’t waited so long to start taking this. I’m glad I’m taking it now, but I wish I hadn’t been so reticent about getting off my butt and doing it. I’m going to train really hard and as often as possible because theres a multi-day Aikido seminar with a really intense master coming up in the middle of November. I have a month to improve enough that I can really benefit from it. I’m really looking forward to it. My friend who has taken Aikido here for at least a year says that this master is absolutely brilliant.

All for now I think. I’m going to work on my PLP so I can post that, some work, take a shower, do some chakra cleansing, then more work. Busy busy week. But the weekend is coming around the bend!

Much love,
Kai-An

Leadership Excersize

I don’t know if I exactly call this being a leader, but I went to a Japanese language Summer camp for several summers. I always chose a group that I was at the higher end of the age bracket because I felt like I could act as a big sister to many of the people there, and often did. Girls in my cabin looked up to me, came to me to talk about their problems, either at home, or camp, or just general worries. I helped them make friends, helped them with the homework. I felt like a junior councilor more than a camper myself.

Had I not decided to go to this camp with that particular age bracket, sure I would have still enjoyed myself and made friends, but It was a good and rewarding experience to feel responsible for the girls around me. I really enjoyed being the one they came to for advice and looked up to in the manner, because I really do feel I can give good advice. I am sensitive and empathic and I felt I was actually able to help several of them, particularly their self esteem (13 to 15 year old female nerds tend to have that particular problem. :/) and i enjoyed it tremendously. If I hadn’t gone there, I probably wouldn’t have the same confidence I have in my ability to be strong and give good advice, or the same desire to an anchor for people when things are rough. This confidence allows me to keep doing these things, which I enjoy so much, and allows me to help the people around me with the small things, because they know that they can trust me and I can handle whatever the world might throw at me. So I know that if in the future I am called upon to be a leader I will be able to do my job with confidence and gain the trust of those around me.

Side note:

In fact I already  have done so on a smaller scale, once by being captain for a day on a sailing trip full of total strangers. I was worried that our lack of relationship and how much different I was from them (well off and nerdy/not popular on the small ship) would make them not listen to me. But they all voted me one of the best captains of the voyage and the day went smoothly. I am currently trying to apply these skills to a position in my group on campus as an archivist for TRS, but the council seems to have a different opinion of my job. I need to talk to someone about that, because I do enjoy being in a leadership position.

Funny, when I first started writing this, I couldn’t think of times I had been a leader at all. Now that I think about it, I can remember many. Its a good feeling.

Much love,

Kai-An

Communications Exercise

2 truths and a lie, and 2 lies and a truth

When people lied in both cases they did one of two things. If they took a while to compile their three things, they tended to make more eye contact, or even nod while telling the lie, as if trying to impress upon you their sincerity. (Assuming it wasn’t such a ridiculous lie that they started laughing ) If they didn’t take as long their eyes tended to dart a little bit particularly to their right, or they would hesitate before they spoke. What surprised me was how bad my people were at lying. Perhaps because I know them pretty well, or perhaps because they are just bad liars, but I could pick out the lie and the truth pretty easily. This was particularly surprising because I know that people do and can lie to me pretty easily. I think perhaps my prior knowledge of these people allows me to pick up on individual ticks or habits during lies, whereas without that previous experience I have more difficulty.

10 Open Questions

For a good friend of mine:

Why did you want to be friends with me in the first place?

Which of the things we did as a kid stand out the most and why? Which that we have done as young adults?

Why did you decide to go to our highschool when you did?

How did you pick your other friends?

What is it you like most about yourself?

Can you describe a time when you denied any of those qualities you value about yourself? Why did you do that?

Did you originally like the things I liked, or did you grow to like them because I was so into them?

What is the moment in life you have been most happy?

Which things in the past would you change if any? Why?

What do you want for your future? Why?

The exercise didn’t say if we had to actually ask these or not, which I would be interested in doing, but my friend is currently swamped with midterms, so I will wait a bit until she’s not so busy. What  surprised me about this lesson was that, despite how much this friend and I talk and know each other, it took a while to come up with these questions. They require a real interest in the answer because you are requiring more than a few words out of the responder. They are also, naturally, much more interesting questions than yes or no questions. This made me wonder if this was so difficult, do we usually communicate in a closed fashion, asking only for tidbits of information, not really connecting? It made me think of how people will ask how you are and not want the real answer.

I think people often aren’t really engaged in their interactions with people. We can lie easily to each other just because we aren’t aware enough to catch the obvious signs of a falsehood, and are not digging very deep for more information or the real story. Although its hard to evaluate how well I ask these sorts of open questions or pay serious attention or not, I do get the feeling that I haven’t been doing it as much as I would like.

The next step is, naturally, to start practicing these things. A key aspect of a Jedi is self and situational awareness: if I can’t focus on the person I’m speaking to, I am not being very aware. This for me includes practicing my empathic skills. I can sense strong emotions without trying, but unless I am engaged I do not necessarily pick up on all the nuance I am capable of understanding emotionally. I am good at reading emotion and body language, but I’m not sure if I always make that effort. This is ironic, because I do believe that  Jedi should be well versed in communication, as good and true communication skills are a huge asset in settling disputes and helping others with their own problems.

This was much more interesting than I had anticipated. Thanks!

Much love,

Kai-An

Koans

A man traveling across a field encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger after him. Coming to a precipice, he caught hold of the root of a wild vine and swung himself down over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Trembling, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger was waiting to eat him. Only the vine sustained him.

Two mice, one white and one black, little by little started to gnaw away the vine. The man saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. How sweet it tasted!

Hakuin used to tell his pupils about an old woman who had a teashop, praising her understanding of Zen. The pupils refused to believe what he told them and would go to the teashop to find out for themselves.

Whenever the woman saw them coming she could tell at once whether they had come for tea or to look into her grasp of Zen. In the former case, she would serve them graciously. In the latter, she would beckon to the pupils to come behind her screen. The instant they obeyed, she would strike them with a fire-poker.

Nine out of ten of them could not escape her beating.

Spirituality

1. Where have your spiritual beliefs originated? For instance, were you raised with a religion, or were religious and spiritual topics never addressed in your house?

I was raised as a Catholic, but in a non-traditional sense. I was baptised, went to Sunday School for a while, got my first communion, but both my parents and my Church were more relaxed about the stricter and more dogmatic parts of Catholicism. For example, until I turned 10 or 11, I didn’t know that the church ever had problems with women, or that homosexuality was considered wrong. It just wasn’t like that with my family. I was horrified when I found out. But before that, God was a distinct presence in my life as a close friend and ally, someone to talk to, and not an all powerful deity to be feared. I also loved and studied the saints, enjoying their stories and their conviction as good moral grounding. However, Catholicism was more like a backdrop to my mother’s attempts to help us flesh out our own morality, even in second or third grade. BMy mother was an art historian, so we often looked at the bible as something more like art and less like history. She would make us discuss the homily we heard each Sunday: what we thought of it, was the priest right, did the story make sense? She would ask us moral dilemma type questions at dinner: “If you could only save your family by stealing, would you? By killing? Would it be good? Would it be right? Whats the difference? Why?” I grew up very much entrenched in religion, but with a strong grounding in my own personal moral ideas. It was also at that time that I started , and then continued after learning more about some of the more outdated (in my opinion) Christian dogma, to explore other religious traditions, beginning with Paganism of several kinds, then Buddhism.

2. How do you know when you are doing the right thing vs. the wrong thing? Do you base this on external laws (like the 10 commandments, or the laws of your country)? Do you listen to your conscience, even though it may go against the standard ‘rules’ of society?

My consicence is not really based on outside rules. Religious proscriptions and laws, although interesting in the former and useful in the latter, don’t have any sort of power over what I feel is right and wrong. I have my own set of beliefs on what is good and sacred, and what violate those things. If my conscience tells me something is right I will try to do it, despite laws or any sort of social or religious disapproval. I don’t want to violate laws, they are generally useful and for the public good, but if a situation were to occur, I wouldn’t hesitate that much.

3. What are your beliefs about death? Do you believe we have one lifetime or more in physical form? What do you believe happens when you die? Where did these beliefs come from?

I honestly don’t know. I have trouble believing in any kind of afterlife where my physical form, or even myself as person exists. I don’t know what happens when you die. I could be heaven, it could be oblivion, it could be nirvana. I neither reject reincarnation nor embrace it. I don’t actually care that much about knowing what happens. My personal belief is that since I don’t know what comes after, I am going to live my life as fully as possible and as well I as can, doing what I feel to be right. If somehow there is a deity that judges me as wanting, oh well. I won’t be ashamed about the way I lived. If there is nothing, well, then there is nothing. Oh well. My own death, other than that when it comes it will come and that will be ok, or if it comes much too soon, I will be sad, doesn’t really have any impact on my life, so I don’t give it much thought. As to the death of others, or those around me, I feel that loss, but I also feel that they are always with me. Not necessarily in any spiritual sense, but that their lives imprinted on my own and their personality and the memories we shared will impact me and those who they touched until I die. Thats more important to me than any sort of continuance of their actual presence. Not that they don’t continue, and not that I would be surprised to find that they did pass on into some new existence, but it doesn’t matter that much I don’t think.

4. Do you believe in God of some kind? If so, what are the primary characteristics of this God? If not, why do you believe this?

This is a tricky one. Yes. No. Maybe. I have no idea. I *do* believe in the force, or at least in some form of higher, life-giving, connecting energy. Is that energy conscious? I don’t know. Sometimes I am absolutely convinced of the existence of a diety, sometimes I am not. I don’t know if its my anthropomorphization of the power in the universe as it helps me in my life, or if its actually some being touching my life from another plane of existence. I don’t know honestly. If there is a God, he or she or it is benevolent and kind. Motherly and strong, distant, and yet close. Like a warm cloak, or the earth beneath your feet, or the sun on your skin. I am a firm believer in not only the divine in nature, but the divine within each of ourselves. I find it difficult to separate myself from a diety. Worshipping Mother Earth, I feel like a goddess. Worshipping God, I feel like his chosen. Respecting the divine elsewhere or in others creates respect and pride in the divine in oneself.

5. What do you consider spiritual practices? Which do you practice (if any)?

I enjoy chanting mantras, meditation, certain types of physical activity, such as martial arts. Anything that requires an increased awareness of oneself and ones surroundings, or a focus on the energy that surrounds and fills us all as opposed to the surface layer of reality.

Much Love,

Kai-An

Creed Excersize

“A belief is the larger idea in which you place your trust or conviction. These beliefs are the major constructs that frame your world. (I.e. I believe in the connectedness of all things. I believe in the inherent good of humanity. I believe in reincarnation, etc) . What are your top 3 beliefs? Why? How did you come to those realizations? What was a situation where this belief was exemplified?”

I believe in the sacredness of life, both spiritual and physical aspects.

This is something I’ve believed it my whole life. I don’t remember it being a sudden realization, only being particularly aware of it when I discovered that a spiritual tradition I was interested in shunned the physical and the body as unnecessary or wrong. Passion and physicality are a big part of my personality; the physical world takes up a huge part of what makes me happy. Not just in the materialistic way, but in touching people, smelling flowers, tasting food, hugging friends. Christianity and Buddhism both seemed to reject the physical part of life as irrelevant or as base, which is something in my heart of hearts I can’t believe. Something that brings me so much simple joy and that helps me to access spiritual meaning in my own life cannot be wrong or meaningless. The confidence I feel when I am comfortable in my body, the happiness i feel when I hold the people I love or eat something particularly delicious, or the joy I take from imbibing the sights and sounds of the world around me simply because they are beautiful are powerful and spiritually nourishing. The soul and the inner world are sacred, but they are much bereft of depth without their physical counterpart.

I believe in the energetic connection and unity of the universe.

I believe this on many levels. One, we are all matter. Different configurations of the same stuff, interacting groups of zillions of quarks. Not just life on this planet, but the planet itself, and the universe. Each of us contains matter and energy that, one way or another, came from the beginning of the universe. The same energy that constitutes our persons flows between each of us, connects us, and binds us together and to the universe. As Yoda says, “Luminous beings are we”. I feel this to be true not only from the logical point of shared matter and energy in the universe, but from the way I understand the world. I touch a tree, I see a stranger laugh, I meet a new friend: in each of these moments I feel the ripples of feeling and energy within my own person. I can feel the life sap of the tree coursing under its skin, and innately comprehend some small sliver of its existence. I interact with other people and feel the effects of their own internal emotions and workings on my own being. As an empath, I find it hard to believe that I understand emotion through some psychic or unknown quantity; it seems much more likely that what I read I read by interpreting waves of feeling that emanate through our world from each of us. It makes me happy to feel connected to my world. Not only do I feel grounded and secure in my life, but I derive great joy from being part of a larger universal energy or consciousness.

I believe in the power of positive feeling and action, especially Love.

If, as mentioned above, I feel that we are all connected in a greater universal energy, what we think and do and feel creates ripples that are felt by all. I feel that its not necessary for everyone to be the savior and change the world hugely for the better. Its difficult, and very few people will ever achieve such a goal. But to make someone happy, even for a short while or in a very small way, brings just a little more joy and love into the world. The more love in the world, the better the world becomes. To replace hate and anger and bitterness with love, and joy, and compassion bit by bit is the hardest and most worthy goal of any Jedi, and of any human being. I really believe that I can change lives simply by being happy myself, and by trying my hardest to treat everyone I meet with respect and love. When people try to describe me, or what they like about me, the quality mentioned across the board is that I am a happy person, a giving person, and a loving person. Being around me makes them happier and more hopeful. Its difficult: I’m no saint, nor am I this way all the time, and human nature is flawed and capricious.  But we are capable of such great good, its hard to be sad or down when there is such great beauty and joy out there in the world. My life is wonderful; i have been blessed by so many things, and it would be ungrateful and ignorant to not be happy to be me, and to share that happiness with others.

 

Whew. It took me quite a while to write this one. Its difficult to lay out one’s beliefs in words. I also wasn’t sure if I could just pick three. I had one more I was going to write about, but realized it was less important than the others, and is not necessarily a belief of mine anymore. A hope perhaps, but not even a desperate one. I have always wanted my life to be worthwhile in the sense of being important. I feel most nerds and geeks feel that they are meant for great things one day. Perhaps its all that fantasy reading. But as I’ve grown older I’ve come to understand that there are more meanings of ‘worthwhile’ than being important. I don’t need to be a mover and a changer. There are things I want for myself that I would have to give up to be a mover and a changer. Maybe its selfish, but I dont want to. I want to settle down somewhere, work at a job I love and find intellectually stimulating. I want to marry the person I am in love with and start a family. I want to read books to my kids, and see them grow up and open presents and Christmas, and learn about the world. I want to see my life blossom. I want all three stages of womanhood, even the crone at the end. I’ve learned to put my happiness over pride or self-importance. I think its a good thing, don’t you?

 

Much love,

Kai-An

Why Jedi?

Wow its been a very long time since I’ve been here. Or on IJRS at all. I guess I’ll get into that a little more in this assignment, but I am really pleased to be back.

 

Why Jedi?

Part 1: Discovering the Path

What first inspired you to seek the Jedi path in your life? Were there any key events around that time that caused you to seek this path? How did you find this training? Have you received any other training elsewhere (online or off)?

I first began seeking my own Jedi path in 2006. I was a sophomore in highschool and was having a very tough time. I felt lost in a sea of my own emotions. I am fairly empathic and have been “too sensitive” my whole life. My mother even used to give me gold stars in grade school on days I didn’t cry about something not worth crying about. It was a bit ridiculous. Sophomore year, however, was the peaking of friend troubles that had been going on for the past three years. I was friends with a girl who did not fit in with my other group of friends. Neither group was to blame really in this matter- they just didn’t get along. So much in fact that they couldn’t stand to be around each other. This girl had a tendency to be manipulative, especially towards me. Being very sensitive, emotional, and honestly naive, I didn’t see it as such. As I hung out with her, I stopped being able to hang out with my other friends, who I missed terribly. The girl didn’t really have any other close friends at school- I felt bad ditching her to hang out with others. She was jealous of me talking to my other friends, and made me feel guilty about not attending to her needs constantly. I don’t blame her- she never did any of this to purposely manipulate me I don’t think. Sure occasionally she wanted me to feel bad, but people do that to each other occasionally. Still, it wasn’t a very healthy relationship on my part.

Around that same time, Revenge of the Sith came out. Say what you will about the new trilogy, but that movie, namely, Obi Wan in that movie was utterly inspiring to me. Powerful, calm, intelligent, compassionate and in control of his life, even when everything was falling apart. I had a friend who was a ‘shadow’ jedi at the Force Academy and I started training there as a Light Jedi. I trained there for two years and was Knighted under my master, Han Solo, who I still talk to occasionally today. He’s a great guy; I appreciate his guidance tremendously. Around that time the FA began to experience drama of several kinds and I searched for a different place to train and found JEDI. I trained there for about a year, and then on and off ever since. As you can see, I haven’t been here in quite some time, and not training regularly online in at least two years, now more like three. I have been doing a variety of training on my own however, mostly with personal meditation and soul searching.

Part 2: The View Along the Way

How would you define a Jedi? What aspects of the Jedi do you aspire to? Or, what attributes of the Jedi do you want to incorporate into yourself? What does it mean for you to be a Jedi in your society?

A Jedi is someone who is centered in themselves and within the Force, that is, the life energy of our world, our universe, and wishes to better himself or herself and in some way, better the world. I want to be centered and calm within my life. I want to be able to see the bigger picture, understand my life in context, and take problems in my stride. I want to understand myself spiritually again. Most of all, I would like to be happy. My life is perfect at the moment; I have good friends, good family, a loving and understanding significant other. I understand myself pretty well at the moment I feel. But in taking this break to just enjoy my life and get back to being the more grounded person I wanted to be, I have ignored my spiritual self, and in returning to my old traditions, have found them somehow empty and wanting. I have changed, and so I must redefine myself again. I would like to bring a newly focused and grounded me, spiritually, intellectually, and physically, to my friends, my family, my university. I firmly believe that simply by being happy and helpful and caring to those around you, you can drastically better the world immediately around you. I also believe I need that new me to help me find what it is I am called to do in this life. As I begin my third year of college I realize I have no idea how I want to participate in this society of ours. I want to do something meaningful, both for myself, and for others. What that will be, I do not know, but I do feel I have a duty to bring these Jedi qualities to a community, and with them, better that community.

Part 3: Looking forward

What are your goals in your Jedi training for the next 3 months? The next 6 months? The next year? What do you anticipate will be your biggest challenge to reaching these goals? For instance, do you have time constraints, family responsibilities, or health problems?

I intend to first of all finish this workbook. I started it in great excitement then promptly moved on to other things. I’m frankly a little disappointed in my lack of focus. This quarter is not as busy for me as others have been so far- i hope to use my extra time to ensconce myself back into my training. I am starting to take Aikido, and intend to go twice a week, barring illness. I intend to go early and meditate, or meditate later if time does not allow for before class. I intend to try to write in this journal as frequently as possible, if not for a training excersize, then for personal reflection. In the next 6 months to a year I would like to start taking classes again at IJRS. I loved taking classes at the old site: it was when I felt the most productive in my training.  However the timing of the courses always seemed to be off or in conflict with school before. This new system should let me do this much better. I can’t wait to begin actually.

In terms of challenges, I do have schoolwork, and as winter sets in, motivation can be harder and harder to find. However I don’t forsee classes being a problem at least through December.

Finally, I’d like to think about how you now feel about your Jedi path, having written these statements. Do you feel inspired, excited, overwhelmed? Whatever comes to mind, try to express that into words as best you can. Take some time and then try to come up with a reason why you feel the way you do? It’s ok if you don’t come up with much of anything at first, but it’s a worthwhile exercise.

When I first started this post, I checked my most recent activity on the blog and found it was a comment about a year ago. I was disappointed in myself, and that made me a bit reluctant to start. However I opened up the workbook and started typing and found the words flowing out just like they always did. After writing this post I am excited to begin again. I’ve been thinking a lot about my spiritual standing in the world recently. Christianity doesn’t hold very much meaning for me these days, and my experience with Paganism, although intellectually matching with my beliefs, wasn’t inspiring me like I expected it to. I forgot why I wanted to be a Jedi in the first place, and forgot what that was like, comparing myself to my greatest fictional idol (Obi-Wan) and knowing that I could be like him again. It wasn’t just something I did when I was young; I still truly believe I am I Jedi. When I think of myself spiritually, the name Kai-An fits me more than my real one. And that is thrilling. I know it will be hard, and I have a lot of wasted time to make up for, but I can’t wait to begin again. So thank you IJRS, for reminding me of my roots. Its good to be home.

Much love,

Kai-An Tatok